Medical Wit Enjoyer Pillows

Surgery.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"Gross."

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."