Medical System Satire Gifts

"Apparently in 'managed care,' you manage by yourself."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

Virtual Doctor

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

Healthcare workers come to the N.H.S. Fancy dress party dressed as viruses.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

A Judge about to enter an operating theatre for a 'Clinical Trial'.

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

A sick sandwich is in the hospital and is getting a transfusion on new Maya and Zesty Mustard.

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'Yes I'm afraid this room is bugged, but don't worry, it's just Clostridium Difficile'

'I don't know about this new computer inventory system. It just ordered a thousand left handed four fingered surgical gloves.'

Man sees sign on hospital: 'Heart Surgeons Wanted' 'Immediate Openings'

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'Doctors are all booked up. Nurse is busy. The best I can do is offer to type your symptoms into Google.'

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"We've managed to cut down the 16 pills you're taking to just one!"

'Last year's 'Bring your pet to work day' turned out very well.'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."