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Hospital Reception - Ring for assistance

'Nurse, we think you might be getting a little too close to the patient.'

'Sir, for the last two hours your constant cries of pain have been disturbing the other people in the waiting room. Please stop.'

'Yes, that's him. Is it OK if I check his pockets for the garage door opener?'

"...Then I said to the Missus, 'Give us a break will yer' "

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

2021

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

vaccine wars.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

A midwife holding a baby

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

Captain Ahab searched for a vaccine.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

Lactose Intolerant

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"The first one's just a warning."

"Your contents have shifted."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."