Medical Recovery Pillows

'Look dear - it's a get-well-or-else card from the insurance company.'

'Lucky for you there was a safety net.'

"Too early to tell if the treatment works, but I'm feeling nauseously optimistic."

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

'You seem rather ungrateful Mr. Jenkins. This new drug means you'll never have hayfever again.'

"While you were under, I had all your friends come in and sign your heart stent."

Near-life experience.

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

'Hah! My gallbladder surgery got more Facebook likes than your hernia operation did!'

'During the heart-transplant, since it was your birthday, I went ahead and added two more inches, no charge.'

"That's just in case we need to go in again."

Stairway to Knee Surgery

"Donald is an appendicitis survivor, too."

"All I can say is thank God for the patients' bill of rights."

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"News flash – shoulder-surgery patient's wife can't do anything right."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Doc says my nerves are shot and I should avoid stress. I think I'll have some herbal tea and go to bed."

"The stress test was waiting for me for hours."

"We don't think you're cut out to be a 'foot in the door' salesman."

"You're doing fine, and we're cautiously optimistic about your insurance."

'We are ready for your transplant. It seems someone left a heart in San Francisco.'

'If this works, don't forget to thank her for the kidney.'

"I'm sure he'll pull through. He's always been a real fighter."

'This is my lucky day... you just won the lottery.'

"I'm sorry, Chuckles. We had to remove your funny bone."

Hospital Gift Shop

'We don't serve hospital food anymore. It's airline food.'

'Hard to say how your husband is at this point. We should know more once the bandages come off.'

'The good news is we stopped your bank account from hemorrhaging.'