Medical Misdiagnosis Fanatic Pillows

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

"I think your problem is heartbeat-from-mouth syndrome."

"You tested positive for being negative."

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

Institute of Infectious Diseases

'Oh no! A Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme lord!'

'Sorry, Professor, that's not the kind of specimen the doctor wants.'

'You came through the delivery with flying colors, Mrs. Lewis.'

'I gave you a few extra stitches - Your husband's idea, really!'

'Patients! They whine about MRSA, then they moan about our ward disinfecting regime. There really is no pleasing them.'

"Nurse, you've mixed up the helium and oxygen again haven't you ?"

"How do I know you're not malingering?"

"Gina remembers where she left her pen... No wonder I can't write with this. It's a rectal thermometer."

'Strip DOWN to your waist, Mr Yomp, not UP!'

'Mr Mundello, when I said strip to the waist, I meant for you to start at the top.'

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."

'Advanced access' isn't REALLY about you booking an appointment in advance of having anything wrong with you!

'Okay, you're due for a lube job, fluid levels check and a new ball joint. Oh, skip that...this is my list...'

"Uh, oh...I was supposed to rub this on your back..."

"What makes you think you got your medication mixed up with your wife's?"

"Diverticulitis, hamartoma, schistosome, labyrinthitis...it sounds like the flu to me!"

"I just downloaded fact-checker...fancy a little quarrel?"

'There is no need to be alarmed, Mr. Shaw - there's been a mix-up in the laundry.'

'No nurse! - I said check their obs!'

'If you please, sir, Mother's took the lotion, and rubbed her leg with the mixture!'

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

'When I asked if she was critical I didn't mean verbally!'

Hospital "They fell off the back of a trolley"