Medical Amusement Pillows

"Pick a file, any file." Dr Collins ability to put nervous patients at ease was legendary.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Ice Cream Surgeon

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

PSA Banter.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'You have an enlarged funny bone.'

World Cup Fever

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'