Media Critic Gifts

Difference of Opinion

"Very interesting professor...now do you think you could sum that up in six words or less, three of which have to be 'cancer', 'cure' and 'miracle'!"

'If reading books is so important, how come you never see people on TELEVISION doing it?'

"...so today you'll be vaccinating Jenny against measles, mumps and child-targeted television commercials."

'We don't have the answer, but we're really getting off on the attention.'

Information vs. Opinion Desks

'Do you want to be manipulated by the left wing media or the right wing media?'

"If you were to boil your book down to a few words, what would be its message?"

'I'll only give you the paper if you promise not to let the news upset you.'

'Responding to viewer sentiment, we have eliminated world news and expanded our entertainment and sports news.'

'We do want to warn you that this news has yet to be spun, so you may have to formulate your own opinion.'

Confirm My Biases.Com

'Oh my God! Brace yourselves! . . . Wait - this just in: everything's fine. . . for now'

"It's all roadkill, and never a word about the chickens who get to the other side!"

"Young people today need heroes - that's why I hired a P.R. firm."

"They're the same newspaper. It just depends on your political point of view."

"The idea that the government introduces change for the SAKE of it is NONSENSE...we also introduce it so we have an endless stream of tabloid friendly headlines and meaningless sound bites."

'Hey, that line's moving a lot faster!'

Meet the Enemy

Brain to man watching TV: 'Since you won't be needing me for a while, I'm going to run a few errands.'

"I'm going back to my room, where the media is a little less mainstream."

'You're allergic to media.'

'As a part of the company's green initiative, I hereby dedicate this tree! May it forever serve as a symbol of our corporate responsibility to the environment!

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

"It's not just the same old crap—it's wider."

'How come the History Channel is so interesting and my history class is so boring?'

'American, idle.'

'...recommended by 4 out of 5 quacks!'

"Vote for me and the baby lives."

'The residents of Soham are begging for privacy....I want it on pages three, four, six and eight..and I want PICTURES.'

'Please disregard the previous message about the imminent collapse of the global economy'

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

'To avoid lawsuits, tonight's news will not name names.'

"As a voter, I don't follow any party line, I follow a cable channel."

'I always said those implants were dangerous.'