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"This is going to be a little invasive."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

Vlad the Inhaler

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

'AHH, here it is! At the next intersection, turn left, then cough, following that, turn right, then cough...' WHEN DOCTORS NAVIGATE.

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...