Mattress Maven T-Shirts

'How much money does it hold?'

"He says if this is his death bed - he'd like a harder mattress."

"Looks like you need a KING."

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

Muscles

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"Forget sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm going for buns of steel!"

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Non-Drip ?

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

"You'll have to forgive Roland. He still uses 'stomach' and 'abdominals' interchangeably."

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

'Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know the drill.'

"Arthur, I need my space."

See? Whenever he's mad at me, he turns off his Touch ID sensor.

Pre-Old Blues

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

"It's nice, but does it have a batcave?"

Home Sweet Sign

'Sorry, you're just not built right for weightlifting.'

"Damn it, Gwendolyn, you know when you married me I only moved one square at a time."

"Call me Ishmael."

Weight lifter using his foot to take a photograph.

Pollock Painting Company

"It's your ribs. I'm afraid they're delicious."

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

"I'm tired of this cave. I want a condo!"

'All he wants is sex, sex, sex!'

Body Building Mishap

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

"I've got something in what used to be a decrepit, run-down, unfashionable area."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'