Maternal Figure T-Shirts

"Dear Mum. As contractions begin I thank you for letting me share your uterus. When do I get my bond money back??"

Mother with sickly child

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Butterfly Woman

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

"Just be yourself."

Prize vegetables.

The Busy Gardener

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

Gender Equality

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

I like the Jets...I guess

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

'What would your mum say if she saw you drawing all over the wall like that?'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"His first out-of-body experience."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

The Zoo.

"We've made great progress!"

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

Self help acupuncture

Madonna of the Pukes.

'That's it then - I'll take the slinky high-heeled cocktail number in a 5 and the everyday workshoe in a 7...'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."