Master Blagger Pillows

'I'm staying in college long enough to master bookkeeping, then fake the rest.'

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

The Perfect Cannonball

Fish talking in a bar - one has a heap of hooks hanging out of his head 'And you must be the one who got away?'

'Just remember lads, when the drummer misses a beat we all miss a beat.'

Up your end.

Fishing Contest

'You think you're better than me, don't you?'

Solitaire card shark.

"Just when they thought it was safe to go back in the water, the great fish emerged from below."

'I give the same advice to all new teachers. Pretend you know what you are doing.'

'It just needs tidying up a bit.'

Motor-blender.

'Are you the proud parents of our (drumming contest) winner?'

"I'm incredibly happy - must be the medication speaking."

'... Geez! This guy's got the poker face from hell.'

"We think your one down - thats what's giving you a headache"

Servant talking to her old master about her new position

"Would you like your milk in a bag?"

'I play it to kill time.'

'I hate it when they use invisible line.'

'Which one beats - a straight or a flush?'

"If he could put a horse up his sleeve, he'd probably win at that too."

Lazy dog.

'The break is over, guys. It's time we got back to our 'Poker Addiction Support Group.''

'Don't be a sissy - It's not that cold!'

Lousy Ventriloquist Fears Return to Normal

'That's Jeb Lambert. He was actually the first one to say 'paper or plastic'. Before that everyone said 'plastic or paper'... I mean, can you imagine?'

His entire life was about balance.

"I hope I can still move like that when I'm her age."

A jogger being bombarded by tiny battleships in a pond.

Easter Island poker.

'OOOH! Looks like Lady Luck is smiling on ME this evening.'

"What do four ones beat?"

'Three Old Maids don't beat ANYTHING!'