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Marriage Guidance - Give and Take

"Remember last month when you took my side? Can we do that again?"

"Edward and I have had a very good year but I'm looking for a major correction in our marriage during the next quarter."

'My marriage has improved since I don't wake up grumpy every morning. Now I just let him sleep late.'

'Hi, Mom. Meet my new significant other. My Prenup'

'I sent out for everything.'

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

The best financial decision I ever made.

'Okay.. what the hell.'

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Yeah, you're right. She's playing hard-to-get.

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Colin could see that his competitor had obviously done his market research.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

"Instead of making a long-term commitment to marriage, I've decided to lease a man."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

Dating the efficiency expert.

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

Separations.

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

'Darling, how romantic...a pre-nup.'

"Agreed. We'll reduce our arsenal of insults, jibes and grievances by one-third but will be permitted to stockpile them for use should the need arise."

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"I just want someone who texts me as often as Joe Biden does, you know?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

If you are ringing your coach to ask about your next move then we're finished.