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Marriage Guidance - Give and Take

"Remember last month when you took my side? Can we do that again?"

"Edward and I have had a very good year but I'm looking for a major correction in our marriage during the next quarter."

'My marriage has improved since I don't wake up grumpy every morning. Now I just let him sleep late.'

'Hi, Mom. Meet my new significant other. My Prenup'

'I sent out for everything.'

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

The best financial decision I ever made.

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

Colin could see that his competitor had obviously done his market research.

"Instead of making a long-term commitment to marriage, I've decided to lease a man."

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

A man reads a book called 'Opening Lines' while a woman reads a book called 'Brush Offs'.

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

The Plinth Wedding Planner Co.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

Separations.

Dating the efficiency expert.

'Darling, how romantic...a pre-nup.'

"Agreed. We'll reduce our arsenal of insults, jibes and grievances by one-third but will be permitted to stockpile them for use should the need arise."

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

"I just want someone who texts me as often as Joe Biden does, you know?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'Our love life has become market-driven.'

Marriage counselor, living together counselor or a just screwing around counselor.