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"She treats me like a god. . . forgets I exist and only talks to me when she needs something."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

Parson and abandoned husband

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"It's not what you think."

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

'It's nothing serious. My wife and I just had a little tiff.' (Marriage counselor covered in bruises, cuts and bandages).

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"I'm not withholding. I'm busy."

'He always leads with his chin! Is that my fault?'

"Just remember, the number one reason for divorce is marriage."

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

'He is so lazy,I even had to get a man in to cut our wedding cake.'