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'Your book is the biggest load of over sentimental, gushy rubbish I've ever read. I love it!'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Oh great, the printer is down."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

"What does it all mean?"

Books of Tablets

Proceedings of the club

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"See, that's the problem with you new breed. You take rejection too personally."

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

'Your manuscript was delicious.'

'But everybody does that stuff!'

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."