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"Oh great, the printer is down."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"I just want to say thanks for getting me into this writing group."

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

Monk Mistake

"It needs a lot of editing."

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."

"Constructive criticism? It says I can't write my way out of a paper bag, and you call it constructive criticism."

Are you printing your own book? No, it's my mailing to agents!

"For goodness sake brother. Haven't you finished that note to the milkman yet?"

'Your book will definitely be a best seller; it just needs a complete new set of words.'

Constitution of the United States (First Draft)