Management Mystic Pillows

"So in conclusion we've decided that you need to do more stuff, but do it better. . . That'll be £439 million please."

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Team Leader

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'It was at this point that the executive group began its hatha flow retreats.'

'I tried that approach once, but my employees seized the carrots and attacked me with sticks.'

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

I'm afraid neatness doesn't count, Mrs Wilson

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'In keeping with the team approach, we've traded you for two middle managers to be named later.'

"Office of quality assurance"

"Helen, is it just the accountant in me, or am I sensing a tone of wistful melancholy and a bittersweet acceptance of the unfathomable mysteries of corporate life in those numbers?"

"Our constantant surveillance indicates workers are becoming more paranoid."

"I have a list of downsides I'd like you to develop into a list of upsides."

"We call out to you, please reveal yourself, oh Spirit of Innovation."

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

'We're not interested in loyalty,but we do value obedience.'

"Things are getting desperate...we have to do something!"

'Knock it off. That's just the kind of backward thinking I was talking about.'

"Where should we target our advertising dollars? "Hold on, I'm checking my website."

"He's right, but he didn't have to rub our faces in it."

Colin had finished the 'One Minute Manager' and was now practising the 3467 minute tea break.

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

'That line means good managerial skills!'

' I used to lead by example but it was too much work.'

'When are you going to show some INITIATIVE, Findley?', 'When you TELL me to, sir!'

'Don't just sit there, hire someone who agrees with me.'

'The ethics consultant said our business conduct is immoral. I immediately took action and fired the guy.'

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

'Managing a team in the current climate requires new skills...'

'Take a deep breath and don't panic - we're walking by the reason this area's known as the 'Fear Factor'!'

"You're wrong! I'm not the worst boss you've ever had. I'm the worst former boss you've ever had."