Mall Loiterer T-Shirts

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

"They're on special offer so I got three times more than I could ever use for twice as much as I could afford!"

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

"I shop, therefore I am."

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'

Wouldn't it be cool if we could live in the Middle Ages, Randy? We could roam the countryside on horses and carry swords. We could hang out in taverns and drink ale, maybe earn enough coin to hire a hero … Then we could go on a quest. Maybe slay some golems. I think it's a real sign of intellectual maturity that we haven't even mentioned maidens yet. Real Middle-Ages maidens would eat you for breakfast.

"I want that dressing-room mirror fired."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Customer Convention

"This planet doesn't stand a chance."

Island of Lost Guys.

"Well, I have an opening in Cloverdale Mall ... let me hear you say Ho Ho Ho."

Mall Directory: You are here, but your mind is somewhere else.

A sign outside a bookstore reads: "Meet the people in the bookstore cafe staring at their laptops 2-4 p.m."

Cars follow the sign to the mall rather than the sign to the manger.

"I have no idea where we parked the car, or why we exist."

'We're dangerous when we shop. We're really really dangerous when we don't shop.'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

"Well, he loves people, the birds that fly, the fish that swim, and all the creatures of the forest."

Man sees where he's at and he's 'Where It's Not At'

"They came up with a new class of anti-depressants that will inhibit compulsive shopping."

Truth section in library "I'm sorry sir, there's just no demand for it these days."

Mall: "We always hold hands - If I let go, she shops."

Welcome to the real world. What just happened? Where am I? The Mall. The Mall. We've been shopping – in person. Not the kind of shopping where you order things on your phone and have them sent to your house. this is the jungle! And you didn't last five minutes! You were laid out by some geezer hustling to the grocery section to get a special deal on prune juice! E-commerce has made you soft! I've got a scratch on my iPhone.

'Your operation is delayed for a couple of hours... there's a big sale at the mall down the street and all the nurses are down there.'

"The lines are a bit slow today...so here's something to help pass the time!"

Americana Mall

Just think! If the mall goes bust, what happens to all that paved-over land? Save our mall. We could roll up the asphalt and start a huge nature preserve. What about current wildlife? Hmm�You're right. I don't think the endangered species act covers mall rats.

Hunter-Gatherers, North America, Late 20th Century

Sally and her fashionista friends get to me. Save our mall! Ignore them! Let's take your mind off them. Don't even think it! I know. Going shopping would be wring. Does ordering online count.

"My religion? I'm a consumerist, first reformed midwest synod. We pray facing the Mall of America."

'I'm going to need backup on two. 'The situation' is escalating.'

Walmart vs. Target.

New Mall