Lover Of Vibrant Art Gifts

Seventeenth Birthday Peacock

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"The low-res JPEG of Dorian Gray"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

Anyone would think it's Frieze week...

"My scoop-back tank comes in Mango, Morning Glory, and Scallion. Don's Maori surfers are available in Iris, Mustard, and Prawn."

"Tonight the part normally played by the audience will be played by actors playing the part of the audience."

Moderne Auction Today - This end up!

Damien Hirst Cafe

The Big Picture

'Turned out non-figurative again...'

'There seems to be no end to his talent.'

Courtney Love

"So, Martin, how long has it been since you last felt the urge to 'upskirt'?"

"Bloody Graffiti."

'I've always wanted to enter the Turner Prize.' - 'Burp!' - 'Okay, great. Now I just need a title...'

Cleaner cleaning up the paintings in a gallery.

"I collect art. Or trash, depending on your point of view."

Artist in formaldehyde

'This is an unpretentious little wine. Unlike the artist.'

Scared sheep visiting a Damien Hirst exhibition.

Abstract art proves that things can be as bad as they look.

'Our first and only painting cost us $3.5 million!'

'Is this how you REALLY see me,Ivan?'

Emin's bed, tidied up.

'We don't know what inspired the Easter Islanders, but we think their neighbours were Anthony Gormley fans.'

'Bacon? It's more like squashed sausages!'

Minimalist Art

"It's called 'White with a hint of Magnolia"

"An eight year old could do this. . .!!"

Artist with Spot Paintings for Sale

"And so one could say that my work examines art as an expression of objecthood where the object is neither the art nor the object but rather the practice of intentionality."

"You've hung this picture upside down!!"

"How long have you had this compulsion to leave bronze casts of yourself everywhere you go, Mr Gormley?"