Love Guru Gifts

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

"Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a chance to piss each other off."

'Sex is good!'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'We've entered the 'password sharing' phase of our relationship!'

Safe sex.

'Well, you're not blind, but have you ever considered laser eye surgery?'

'Sorry Andy. I really can't help you. What you need is cash, and lots of it.'

'Will you marry me? It's for a good cause.' -He was such a charity case.

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

'The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an aphrodisiac.'

"Our relationship would be much better if she could just get over her trust issues."

"To be honest you're not what I was expecting. Your profile on the dating app said you were a small business owner."

"Before we got married you said you were oversexed."

"It was I, Glenda. I wrote the book of love."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

'YES! But it's no ones fault, Jim... Unless you REALLY want to know what you did wrong?'

"With so many dating services online, I had to diversify."

'Ok, you can stay, but that emotional baggage has gotta go!'

An evening with Stanley Bucholtz, relationship MD,,,tonight: 'Just ONE evening,,,'

"Ideally, I'm looking for a guy who can make me smile."

'How can she tell that in only three minutes?'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

Cupid on the therapist's couch: 'Sometimes I think about buying a gun.'

'There's only one thing that keeps me from being a happily married woman...him.'

"It helps."

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"The results of your tests seem to suggest that you're in love."

"It turned out that everything he poured out to me that night on the bridge was spin."

"Would you care to put your filthy paws on me?"

"I'm sorry, Carol. I just feel like I should be seeing someone closer to my own neighborhood."

"I mean, I like him, but there's no kicky portmanteau there."

"I'm not sure we can do anything for a broken heart."

"God, you're hot-blooded!"