Love Guru Gifts

'Well I'm sorry Michael, but size does matter to me.'

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

"Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a chance to piss each other off."

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

'Sex is good!'

'We've entered the 'password sharing' phase of our relationship!'

Safe sex.

'Will you marry me? It's for a good cause.' -He was such a charity case.

'Sorry Andy. I really can't help you. What you need is cash, and lots of it.'

'Well, you're not blind, but have you ever considered laser eye surgery?'

'The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an aphrodisiac.'

'Why are they called the opposite sex?'

"Our relationship would be much better if she could just get over her trust issues."

'How can she tell that in only three minutes?'

"Before we got married you said you were oversexed."

"Ideally, I'm looking for a guy who can make me smile."

"With so many dating services online, I had to diversify."

An evening with Stanley Bucholtz, relationship MD,,,tonight: 'Just ONE evening,,,'

'Ok, you can stay, but that emotional baggage has gotta go!'

"It helps."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"To be honest you're not what I was expecting. Your profile on the dating app said you were a small business owner."

'There's only one thing that keeps me from being a happily married woman...him.'

"It was I, Glenda. I wrote the book of love."

'YES! But it's no ones fault, Jim... Unless you REALLY want to know what you did wrong?'

Cupid on the therapist's couch: 'Sometimes I think about buying a gun.'

'It WAS rather unkind of you to hide his bottle-opener, Mrs Jones.'

Romantic Divides

I've got a hot date tonight, Randy. What should I do? The love doctor is open for business. There's only one objective of the first date, and that's to create an air of MYSTERY. You must present yourself as a tantalizing puzzle that your date will be dying to solve. But I already Facebooked her my whole life story. Should I tell her I was hacked? The love doctor is closed.

"I'm not sure we can do anything for a broken heart."

I can't believe he dumped me. Remember, if you love someone set them free. And if you hate someone set them free. In other words, set everyone free and get a cat.

The Love Psychologists

Margaret...Meatball