Local News Star Prints

'Guess who's got his picture in the paper.'

'I'm afraid the cuts are beginning to bite!'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'Henderson always walks away with the neighborhood pumpkin carving contest.'

Flake News

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

"I didn't even know Smallville had a set!"

"Someday a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the street. But today, expect occasional sprinkles."

Up-to-the-minute reporting from our man on the street.

Walter The Sea Monster

"Is that Penny I smell? It's been so long... Hold on, is this Dougie? No way! That crazy mongrel, he is nuts! I remember that time he chased those kids on skateboards all the way down Cliff Street. Wait, is this Rosie?!"

Pop's store's wanted ad: MOM.

"And in local news, somebody pooped on the Jenkins' lawn again."

The Original Information Superhighway

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."

"We find shopping at the farmers' market to be more self-congratulatory."

"Ar well, if I was 'ee I wouldn't start from 'ere."

'Honestly! You'd do anything to win the Community Balloon Race, wouldn't you?'

Things you can't do much about...what you can do....

Woman over garden fence: 'I've invented some new gossip I'd like circulating.'

'Edith, guess what!!!...Our new neighbour is a doctor!!'

'We don't get any channels, but we pick up what's going on in 79 neighborhood homes.'

Welcome to Greensville birthplace of Wilbur Farkle. He was never very big.

"People worry that there aren't any journalists to cover local issues anymore. But I reckon that's just another example of fake news."

"I don't like the news. It's like they know what scares me."

A panhandler with a sign that reads "Think globally give locally".

'You're thinking of standing for the local council? But would they stand for you?'

"Domingo has lots of good ideas on how to improve our city and make it safer for our children. He actually has a plan that makes a lot of sense."

'...and now the weather.'