Local Foodie Gifts

'This should increase our business.'

"This place was better before they tore it down."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

Big Tex Silver Saddle Restaurant advertises 'BBQ, $10, Chatter in a Vanishing Regional Dialect $1.00 Extra.'

"Where do we put Desserts?"

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"Is the MSG local?"

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

"It'll take three wishes to get less cream cheese on your bagels in New York."

Sustainability files, ways to reduce your carbon footprint

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Meticulously prepared, locally sourced food served on artifacts of a romanticized industrial past, by people who take their fashion cues from daguerreotypes, to adults whose parents still pay their rent.

Mom? Eco club is starting a campaign to eat local food. Good idea. Would you please pack me a lunch from organic stuff grown near here? Ok. I'm sure we have something. Thanks! Oh, boy. A beet sandwich.

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

"Coffee...Cigarettes...Bubble gum..."

As soon as he began speaking Manuel's Spanish accent was unmistakeable and he was evicted from the Local food group.

'Tropical fruit, imported cheese, coconuts...I'm not really into that 'eat locally' stuff.'

'Of course I followed the diet religiously. I do everything religiously.'

Man on Stilts in a Market

'Today's sermon is on the feeding of the five thousand...and I'll be giving you the recipe for that.'

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

'Those wafers are no good. Why don't they have cookies?'

(Direct to the Consumer)

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

'It's all local, except for the fish. They're from the ocean.'

"Hey, this is just a bun!" "Help yourself to the mustard."

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'Fruits, vegetables, herbs, spices, nuts, berries, roots, tubers, stems, leaves.'