Little Performer Gifts

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

Take a bow!

'Guess what I'd like to see disappear next.'

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Cow Show Tunes

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

George Michael

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"They’re baseballs. You throw ’em."

Four children playing the flute.

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Jazz is Invented

"Bravo!"

"I can't believe he brought her."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Clown waits for 'Happy Hour' to begin.

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."