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"This isn't how the story went at all."

"Pssst! Do you have anything on American history?"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'Rehab centre' "I'm addicted to Irvine Welsh"

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

'To you it's wine, to me, it's my writer's block vaccine.'

'I've forgotten the author and title - do you read minds?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

William Makepeace Thackeray.

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

Waiting Room For Godot.

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

Join the protest march, I'm lonely.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Hmmm... there's something not right here..."

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

Whodunits

"He was murdered with one of the rejection slips he sent."

Book Shop: The great American Novel and The great American tweet.

"I'm thinking about moving out of the suburbs."

'To be or not to be . . . contingent on royal funding.'

Reading

Window Sills I Have Known - Mazzy C. McCattrick

Trilby - 'I will not! I will not!'

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

"It's getting harder and harder to be different around here."

'Poet Laureate' door 'Gone to lunch-back twixt 2 &3'

'I see London, I see France, I see your big distended scald-red ass.'

"This book is the future of literature. It is paper-free to help save the planet and completely free of words and images so no one is offended."

You can always tell a good book by its libel.

'I'll publish it if you include a character obviously based on me.'

My new year's resolution is to write a best-selling novel. Did you know "50 Shades of Grey" started out as fan fiction about that vampire book "Twilight"? I just need to repeat that formula: write fan fiction about a popular book and then just change all the names when I'm done. That way, my book will appeal to that same audience and they won't even know why. Which "popular book" are you going to write fan fiction about? "50 Shades of Grey." Only I'll change the names to "Bella" and "Edward," an