Life Milestones Pillows

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

Cardiac Recovery.

'He's been like this ever since he had his laser eye treatment.'

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

'I try not to think big too often or I get terrible headaches.'

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Church Basement Foodie

'I refuse to relinquish the title, 'Top Young Exec'.'

One!

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

An old man exercising with hourglasses

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"Wait! I don't want to be disease resistant!"

How's your nephew doing in human school this year? Great! He has a calculator and spell checker like last year, and this fall new features have been added. With new translation software he can take language classes now, and for social studies he just clicks "history." Bonjour! I'm so proud! He has the school's highest G.P.A.! Other students can't copy off him anymore because he started using encrypted code. His favorite upgrade is the enhanced ability to process school lunches. He's bee

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

"As it's your birthday, would you like to go in the Big Chair?"

"This old bike of mine has sure lost some if its speed over the years."

Ogden Nash: 'Middle age is when you've met so many people, that every new person reminds you of someone else.'

"You're right, they are statins."

"It makes you look old."

"Day 19,918: Once again, Gary cannot believe he's still alive."

"You've come to a fork in the road – age-defying or age-appropriate?"

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Medication for the elderly

'I think you're ready for the big chair...'

You know you're getting older: when your back goes out more often than you do!

'We think he has a future in politics.'

Sparkler

'They want your underwear.'

'When 900 years you reach, retire, you will not.'

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'