Life Critiques Aficionado Gifts

"I'm less judgmental now that I've failed at everything in life."

Sign in book shop window: 'Critics agree the book is much better than the movie.'

Filling the Missile Gap

'Nice, but it needs more angst.'

An acceptable level of TV violence.

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

The Real Russian history

Seamus Heaney

"Well...I notice a little criticism on my leadership style..."

Rodin's Irish Judge

Bertolt Brecht

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

Cartoon Editor: No, No, No, No, No, No, Maybe.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Failure is definitely the best teacher, but I'm thinking auditing a class with Success might not hurt."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

Drones deliver gold, frankincense and myrrh to baby Jesus.

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

A man is looking at a sign saying Exhibition of art exhibition jargon.

'The Human Comedy needs a laugh track.'

'Now that I think about it, you're right: Like bankers, we thrive on the misfortune of others...'

'It's big and it's yellow.'

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'

"What can I get you?" "An explanation for that dumb reason why Batman and Superman stopped fighting at the end of Batman v Superman." "Would you like that spoiler-filled or spoiler-free?" "Spoiler-filled would be lovely, please." "Ok. Batman did not stop fighting Superman just because both of their moms were named 'Martha.'" "'Martha' was not just a person. In Batman’s nightmares, 'Martha' had come to represent all that was good about him." "When Superman whispered 'Martha,' it did t

Ezra Pound

Art is a cruel mistress.

"Do you mind if I give you feedback?"

Young Simon Cowell

"The working title needs work."

"Museum directory: Male statues with big d**ks. Female statues with huge tits & fat butts."

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?

Editor

'I really don't see the point?'