Legal Stories Prints

"She left everything to you. But, the hamster is contesting the will."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Barristers

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

Wal-Mart Ruling

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

Justice 4 Ron

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

"Another slander suit!"

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'Let's see what the employment tribunal has to say about that, shall we?'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'If you can't afford a media adviser the court will appoint you one.'

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

Jurors saying 'I'm on the jury' on their mobiles.

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

'Oh, objection, objection, objection - what is it this time, Counselor?'

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

'Yuo were wise to get a second opinion. Now we can sue both doctors.'

Counsel examining witness

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

Keystone XL

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."