Legal Procedures Pillows

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

Another restraining order. This was the last time he'd try to plan a family reunion.

'If possible, I'd like it to be an amicable bankruptcy.'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

Judge

"I've got repetitive strain injury after filling in my compensation forms..."

'Your Honor, the jury is doing the wave again!'

"The defendant is willing to plead no contest, providing the court reduces the charges from 'reckless endangerment' to 'madcap imprudence!'"

Trial by Media

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Supreme Court. It's either constitutional or unconstitutional - We don't use a scale of one to ten!

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"Well, heck! If all you smart cookies agree, who am I to dissent?"

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"And I put it to you Mr. MacDonald, that on the morning of December 3rd, you had cold hands whilst attaching a milking machine to my client's udder!"

Sue The Bastards

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.

"All I can figure is that he must have been inspecting the water quality of our lakes and rivers when he became entangled in cement."

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

"Manafort's was the best flip yet."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'Watch what you admit to. He once tried to fine one of my clients for looking a gift horse in the mouth.'

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."