Legal Jester Pillows

'You won't have to go to jail, but I will be collecting your $200.'

'Your Honor, this does not automatically make him a corn expert.'

'Your honor, if hiring a lawyer with a track record as bad as mine doesn't prove my client's insanity, I don't know what does,'

bound by restrictive covenant

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

'I'm looking for a temp job to fill the gap between my indictment and incarceration.'

'Your tenancy deposit will be held and protected securely in accordance with an authorised statutory scheme which is supervised by Big Larry, here ...'

'Well, yes, I suppose you could appeal. However, if you lost, you'd be responsible for all court costs.'

Barrister uses legal speak to ask for two sugars in his tea.

'As we're running late for lunch, I'm going to dispense with the case for the defence, and go straight to sentencing.'

"I, Mrs Trellis, being of sound mind leave everything to my beloved, Tiddles."

'It's a coupon. File four frivolous lawsuits and get the fifth free!'

'And please take into account that my client was acting upon a double-dog-dare.'

SANTA'S ATTORNEY

'Don't think of my client as a sex offender, Your Honor - think of him as having special needs.'

'This is Carlson. He never met a frivolous lawsuit he didn't like.'

Off the wall legal advisor.

"$865 attorney fee, $198 title insurance fee, $150 administration fee, $135 title search fee, and heck, let's add a $200 'at this point the client probably won't notice anyway' fee."

Lawyer encased in glass with sign: In case of accident, break glass.

"And finally for the record, the clerk of the court has odds of 6-4 guilty, 2-1 not guilty..."

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"It's Vernon's belief that divorce should be fun."

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'I like my plea bargain better. I plead guilty and you dismiss the charges.'

'Any snappy one-liners before I pass sentence?'

"Five years for driving the getaway car, plus time and a half for double parking outside the bank!"

'Your honor, SHHHHHHHHHHH. Can't you see the defense rests?'

Judge with gavel, stupid attorney says: Okay, I'll bite, who's there?

'Permission to flirt with the witness, your honor?'

'All those in favor of NOT running our little venture through legal...'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

Went back to get my Juris Doctor - put money in the hat or I'll sue.

"Hey, are you here for a divorce, too!?"

"I knew we shouldn't have added a sports lawyer to the firm."