Legal Humor Aficionado Pillows

'Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination!'

'Ordinarily no two legal problems are alike. However, in your case...'

"The legal department says you can keep throwing them but not two in the same spot."

'Do you think I would even be here if my client were guilty?'

Secretasry to lawyer: 'Some clown here to see you about a high profile slip and fall.'

Pro-bono....anti-bono.

'I tried to turn my life around, and apparently I made an illegal U-turn.'

"I wonder if the 'Dumpty' incident led to a restructuring of their liability package."

Employees must wash hands after suing.

'My client was unaware that going to school was against the rules your Honour: Mary made him do it...'

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

'Did you not describe my client as a 'libel tourist'?'

'I'm not sure if I'm divorced or not. After seeing my husband in court the judge gave custody of him.'

"And I take it that 'Mister Jolly' is a puppeteer by profession?"

'Your Honor, I was misled by my advisors, here.'

'Sir, for the last time, you cannot use your honr to answer!'

'Act crazy and maybe we can get you off on the grounds of diminished responsibility.' 'But I only wanted you to check this contract for me!'

"I'm sorry, Henri. I don't think you can sue every science teacher for 'defamation of effect'."

'Here's a problem. Your phrase "Americans are too litigious" is copyrighted.'

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

'Sorry, Mr. Weinbaum, but you should have said 'Simon says not guilty.''

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"No, even if you change your name to Rover, I doubt if the judge will pass your sentence in dog years."

"It's bad enough she sued me for divorce, but she's doing it in small claims court!"

"This will is a dead giveaway."

"It only takes one barrister, but there must be a solicitor present."

"Click here if you accept his terms and conditions."

"Well, sorry, but legally, there is nothing you can do to force my client to accept your mating-rights challenge."

"Try to have these traffic tickets fixed as part of my plea bargain."

"Trust me, I have a reputation for being able to stuck people dry"

"My incompetence will become the basis of your appeal."

'... Anything you pantomime can and will be used against you in a court of law...'

"If you want to keep his rib...I'd insist on a pre-nup."

"So you're saying you were recovering in hospital from a shark attack at the time of the crime? Sounds like a water-bite alibi to me."

'He's my lawyer.'