Lawn Linguist T-Shirts

Garden equipment repair center. The seed-spreader attachment is set too high. "Lower mower sower blower!"

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

Sale! Weed Whackers

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'Ok..Ok...I'm putting the lawnmower back in the shed!'

'His idea of campaign finance reform is insisting on small bills.'

'Iguana know what time it is.'

A sign on the front lawn of a house reads "Keep off the chemicals".

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

"The gods seem angrier than usual today."

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

Actually, Mama was her third word. Buy Now were her first two.

"Basically, I'm looking for a beer can holder with a mower built around it."

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

'I think they're the best crop circles you've ever done!'

"Yo, how's it swinging?"

'I don't know who he is...but he roto-tilled my entire yard and never even stopped to let me thank him!'

'I can't get my husband to water the lawn.'

Beware of the Lawn

'The good news is I just dethatched the lawn. The bad news is the lawn was nothing but thatch. . .'

'Al's Lawn Care Service: There's no crabgrass too crabby for us!'

Grass saying: mow me/feed me/weed me/roll me.

'Yes, sure, certainly, you bet, of course, yeah, right, yep....'

God sends a text message: 'OMME!'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'This veldt makes me worry about the condition of our yard back home.'

"I can never remember, does 'barge' have one snake-head jackal, or two?"

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"There's got to be an easier way to kill the moss in a lawn"

'He's so clever he's learning a second language!'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

Ref shows footballer green card.

'The grass is always greener on the other side seed'.

Cruel Pet Tricks

Ernie, as a scientist you should say the birds are "making aggressive vocalizations," not "feuding with tweets."