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Trial by Media

Yawning barristers in court

"Permission To Treat Prosecutor as Hostile, Your Honor?"

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

Antonin Scalia

'That's the lawyer in me trying to get out.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

'Cut out the hearsay and get back to work, Ms. Sims.'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

The annual running of the lawyers.

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

'I'd say you have a water-tight case there, boys.'

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"The legal people are terrified of litigation but I insisted that we write an apology to the client of the lack of service. . . as long as we don't sent it!"

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

Hermes, Process Server Of The Gods

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”