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'Keyhole Perjury'

A baby in court

"I love spending quality time with you, Ed. The fact it's billable is just the icing on the cake."

"I can assure you, Your Honor, that my client knocked over the liquor store with the best of intentions."

All together now! Let's sing our decision!

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

"First, admit no harm."

Courtroom. Next time I wouldn't say "Convincingly, I hope" when the judge asks how you plead.

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'...please instruct the puppet to remain silent and let the witness answer for himself.'

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

'I wonder what that knocking noise is.'

Judge Duels

"I can assure you, Your Honor, my client isn't a flight risk."

"After all, it is a frivolous lawsuit..."

Warning: Quitting smoking now will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

'Before your honor passes sentence, is the anything my client could do for extra credit, if you know what I mean?'

"So, David. Do you have a permit for that weapon?"

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

'And in order to make the experience of court less intimidating...'

"Are you aware under the new terrorism laws I can hold you without charge for up to 90 days?"

Barrister defending a criminal

"We've decided to settle our of quart."

You ought to be in the funny papers, counselor. That was yet another hilarious objection. Overruled, of course.

"Case dismissed for obvious reasons."

'I'm here for trying to keep my nose clean. I got caught stealing a packet of tissues.'