Laughing Through Parenthood Gifts

'I have this recurring nightmare. Mum's so engorged she can't get out of bed to feed me.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"Use your inside scream."

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

'What are you in for?'

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"The kids have stopped saying 'are we there yet?'"

'Ooopsss! I did it again.'

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

"My kid said his first two words and you know what he said; 'I'll sue.'."

'They sort of grow on you.'

"When do I get my phone call"

Mother tells son, who is watching DVDs: 'No, I don't think we need a 'national debate' on the issue of bedtime.'

'I wish you hadn't shown Daddy the lovely Mother's day present you bought me. I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet!'

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'How are the quadruplets?'

'Mum said I take after your side of the family, Dad!'

'I think i cried myself inside out!'

'Can we wait up and watch daddy bleed?'

"All right! We'll hear the pester-power figures next."

"I thought we talked about this."

Clearance sale. Everything must go!

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

'No, dear, it's not necessary to go to the doctor because Mia kissed you.'

Some blind dates work out just fine.

"If mum didn't work we'd starve"

Two breasts: No waiting