Lag B'omer T-Shirts

"Next year we really must make it a priority to get haircuts before the sefirah."

'You don't have a license and registration, do you?'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

'Gasview Hotel' - 'Dinerview Gas' - 'Motelview Diner' - 'Hiwayview Suites'

'Mac, I told you last week a collar and a tag aren't enough - there's a leash law in this town.'

"Sorry, eighty is not the new sixty-five."

"And thirteen innocent logs perished in that fire they used to burn Joan."

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

A sailor in his little yacht bobbing on the waves

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

'Be careful what you say around Marjorie...'

"Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

"60 may be the new 50 in the fantasy land you live in, but here in the real world, it's called exceeding the speed limit."

'Welcome to HARDNOSE CITY. . . Go directly to jail, next 3 exits.'

"She can be outspoken."

'Due to company cutbacks, you won't be getting that raise. However, to earn extra money, I can hire you to wash my corporate jet.'

'Sorry, pal. Illiteracy is no excuse for breaking the law.'

"It's not that I dislike being dead. It's just that death is for dead guys, you know..." Woody Allen dies, but his body keeps talking and talking and talking.

Oscar Jennings, unregistered nurse.

Speed laws occasionally enforced.

No Zone: 'Don't know about you, Alf - But I might as well have stayed in with the missus!'

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

"We've come here to smoke."

'No, officer, I wasn't driving erratically while talking on the cell phone. I was text messaging.'

'All right, who broketh the window!'

'Well, you did insist that our travel agent find the cheapest tickets to Hawaii.'

The velcro ties were in place. The lobstermen would have no idea what hit them.'

"Instead of a three-hour play with 20 performers, what about a single performer, alone onstage, telling jokes for 30 minutes?"

Family Problems

"OPEC tighten the screws. the Larned A. Corys are ready."

' We have ways of making them talk but how do we make them shut up ?!! '

"Will Obamacare cover my blabbermouthing?"