Kennels Pillows

'He followed me home. Can I keep him?'

"Can I look at this dog's pedigree papers again?"

Dog and bone

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

Man on motorbike with side kennel.

'No, I'm not being tracked by scientists, just by my wife...'

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"That thermostat I bought is smart. It knows how cheap I am, so it keeps our home freezing."

"Sorry, gotta go - I'm going to be late for my next meeting."

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

'I think it's past its sell-by date.'

'In my experience, life is good most of the time, but come the holidays, they look at me as if I'm a nuisance...'

'You made me jump.'

"I used to know my wife's fondest dreams and desires, but now I leave that to Google."

'I remember, Fido, winning isn't the only thing...there are also stud fees.'

'I think it's passed its sell-by date.'

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

Pets on holiday.

''Pet of the Year', That's me!'

'My husband's just getting some ready to show you.'

'I wouldn't worry about a poor sense of direction...'

'The ranch-style house is for our wiener dog.'

'This English Setter, Irish Wolfhound and Scotch Terrier, go into a bar...'

'Well, to begin with, you're going to have to get this fellow a bigger dog house.'

"The nice thing about being married is that I no longer feel obligated to like your posts."

'The ban of stimulants, includes St Bernards. The brandy keg will have to go.'

Rhino chef.

Good Mop, Bad Mop.

The food inspector

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"And this is the ultimate in low-flush toilets!"

My wife doesn't understand my text messages.

"There! I've deleted you from my database!"

'Show Off'. Hat size jealousy among chefs.

'Why 'fido'? Dog kennels do not need planning permission.'