Judging Panels Pillows

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

That party went well.

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

Wal-Mart Ruling

'I'm sorry, your cheese has not matured enough!'

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'The next case Your Honor, is a palimony suit. The ant vs the grasshopper.'

"I'll tell you, mock jury duty beats cancer testing."

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'Your Honor, we've finally agreed on a verdict.'

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

'I'm suing my way alphabetically through the phone book.'

'Might I caution you on suing the defendant for damages...such action is fraught with difficulty, given your 'hand-me-down' status in his family!!'

Jurors saying 'I'm on the jury' on their mobiles.

"Don't be an idiot, Larry."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

'We find the defendant guilty. I mean, why else would he go out and hire the best lawyer in town?'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'Your honour, we find the defendent 'politically incorrect'.'

'Your Honor, we find the defendant rich, famous and not guilty.'

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'I've been charged with evading jury duty.'

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

Eleven Angry Men and One Happy Chappy

"Do I have to answer that? I wanted to sell all this stuff to the tabloids!"

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'