Journalist With A Sense Of Humor Gifts

"Apparently reading about the causes of cancer gives you cancer."

'Your videotape's intriguing - But it still doesn't prove that they really exist.'

Sock Puppet in Literature

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"I'm telling you, those are not abs!"

'As a matter of fact, I have the heart of a 30-year-old woman.'

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'The Prom Dress: One Week Later'

Tree Mobsters. 'I didn't hear anything. Did you hear anything?' 'I didn't hear anything.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

CIA Recommended TVs

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

'You should never wear a green parrot with a blue suit.'

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

"The whole thing's much smaller than it seemed on TV."

"This is just a placebo cast, but it makes a lot of people feel better."

What is it about Sarah Palin's politics that bothers you so much?

Elon Musk's Twitter Bid

The protestor's complaint. Chiropractor. My back won't let me stand up for what I believe in, but it also won't let me just take things sitting down.

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

"Here are our latest frames, designed to make you look with-it, even though your past-it."

'Russian scientists have determined where the meteorite than injured 1000 people came from. Thet say, 'It's not from around here.''

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

'You ordered the stuffed sea bass, didn't you?'

'Since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell. It's not in the pie or the baby's prunes - it's on 'Heartbreak Motel' Oh baby, so lonely...'

'No, I'm afraid we're dull. But we do have two vacancies in the Kitchen.'

'I don't know. . . Nobody has ever requested a doggy bag before. . .'

Holiday photos.