Jokesters With A Flair Gifts

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Lesbians for Christ

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

'On the outside I'm all ho-ho-ho. But inside I feel weak and shaky, like a bowl full of jelly.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

'I know you're tired of hearing the same old political cliches, but I believe in recycling.'

Robot porn.

"It was worth a try."