Job-seeking Strategist Gifts

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

Do you have any other skills?

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'

"Here at Global Com we're looking for people can 'think outside of the box'..."

Perks Featured in Vacancy at Toy Company

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"No, you definitely wouldn't get Christmas Eve off."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Right now it's between you and two hundred and fifty other people who came to Seattle, moved in with five roommates, joined a band, took a job in a coffee bar, got fed up, had a meeting with themselves, and decided it was time to go out and find a real job."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'