Job Security Ponderer Pillows

"The good news is that I'm still here after the boss cut our department by 33 percent."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

37 years in the same position.

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

'And this is Bert, our intern. He's been with the company for 46 years!'

I don't like the looks of this.

Redundancies

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

'I'm afraid you'll have to find another way of showing how crucial you job is, Johnson!'

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

Personnel. I figure since every boss tells you to forget everything you learned in school, not learning anything to begin with puts me ahead of the pack.

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'The best thing about working here is that nobody is irreplaceable.'

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards