Job Security Humorist Gifts

'I think the only reason my job hasn't been outsourced is because nobody knows what I do around here.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'I was just ringing to see if you'd got the email about my letter.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

'Hello, security.'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

"This is a family operation, Ben, and we're evicting you from our family."

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'You must be the new guy, huh?'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

"You're hired. Stay!"

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

"Thank you for computerising the company - you are now obsolete, Goodbye."

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'