Job Quester Pillows

"Well, you're both strong candidates with very similar résumés so we've decided to settle the matter through hand to hand combat."

"We're looking for someone with a diverse skill set accompanied by an advanced sense of passive resignation."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Good Luck!

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

How are you at decision making?

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."