Job Interview Aficionados T-Shirts

'What went particularly well?'

"You state on your resume that you're lazy, incompetent and unreliable. There is such a thing as being too honest."

Any other honours or awards besides a gold star in your infants' school?

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

A very young man being hired as a groom.

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'We're looking for somebody to work on our new top secret project. Can you tell me what kind of experience you have?'

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"