Job Interview Aficionado Pillows

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"You've got the job, but you've got to change your clothes."

'OK, Mr Henman, apart from hitting balls into a net what oher skills do you have?'

'You present yourself well, but frankly we're looking for someone with more experience.'

'We like your resume and wish to buy the movie rights.'

'Other than the fact that you were a trustee at the county jail, do you have any other character references?'

'Your resume says that you were previously a waiter. Can I assume that you're comfortable taking orders?'

'I've had more experience than you've had hot dinners - er, perhaps I should rephrase that...'

'The job calls for someone who is computer literate but, since you don't know computers, simply being literate is enough'

"And my approval rating is sixty-two."

'Hmm... He is remarkably dumb! He would be perfect for our new test-marketing position!'

"And my best asset is I'm levelheaded"

"Would you thrive in a hostile work environment?"

"Do you have any questions apart from 'where did I get my jazzy tie'?"

"Just your resume. We're not interested in the DNA testing."

"Wait a minute. . . you're applying for my job!"

"Apart from your obvious qualities, what makes you think you'd make a good, 'little helper'?"

"I can do thirty five words a minute."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

A very young man being hired as a groom.

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'