Jam And Herring Critic Pillows

"I don't think President Netanyahu's Palestinian policy is..."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

'My dentist recommended it.'

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"If you represent special interests, I can seat you immediately."

'You are quite right, the soup is cold.'

'Is there a money back guarantee if the burrito isn't as big as your head?'

"The news you are about to see is fictitious and is shown merely for its sensational content."

'I was bringing your businessman's lunch, sir, but a Government bureaucrat confiscated it!'

"Now, who ordered the salad?"

"You forgot his tail."

'Buy plain packet cigarettes - get free coloured pens to make your own packet design.'

"Our house wine is abominable."

'What wine goes with rubbery steak and cold vegetables?'

"The spaghetti is too al dente!"

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

'Your waiter will be happy to point out our organic dishes if sir is feeling particularly gullible.'

"That tasted like s**t. We'll have another order of it."

"And when I say I'm immune to your charms I think I speak for the herd."

"This one's rubbish as well."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

'It won't be long now, sir. The chef has already sent the chicken a death threat.'

"Too rare, perhaps?"

I remember your lousy tip. Enjoy MY trickle-down theory.'

'First of all, the menu is plastic.'

'Have you considered having double glacier installed?'

'Why the free meal?'

Trivia Pursuit

"I think I got a new song that will resonate with our generation right now, and then again in forty years when they hear it in pharmaceutical ads."