Itchy Irony Pillows

I'm no longer allergic to flowers!

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'Stuck on a desert island, in the middle of the ocean, with only a palm tree for company, it's a bloody joke.'

'A religious zealot denounces a toaster for working on the Sabbath'

"If I'd known we'd be this long wandering the wilderness I would never have worn these heels."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

Flyfishing for dummies.

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

'You know bank pens never work. Why didn't you write the holdup note before we left?!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"