Ironical Diner T-Shirts

'The food's pretty bad here, but we make up for it with especially large portions.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"For drinks or dinner?"

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

Eat Locally - All Roadkill From 8-Mile Radius

'The customer is always right...'

'Would Sir & Madam per chance care to peruse the scratch & sniff dessert menu?'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"Red wine with fish? Sometimes you really are a monster."

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"Sorry no half portions - at least that's the quantum theory."

'I'm afraid the Chef's Surprise today is that he ran off with one of the waitresses.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

Man eating his meal with his feet.

"Dinner looks delicious."

'I'm afraid things are rather confused around here today, sir- the Soup of the Day is a grilled-cheese sandwich'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

'I'm not very hungry after eating my first quarter losses.'