Ironic House Hunters Pillows

'It has three bathrooms and not one set of scales.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'We'll take it!'

Open House of Horrors

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

Mouse real estate!

"I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk around at night."

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

Vocation,vocation,vocation.

'The owners are a bunch of clowns.'

For sale sign: 'Unique 16th Century cottage. Similar properties wanted.'

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

'...and the property lies in a beautiful valley by the banks of the river...'

"Well, it is a good property. The price is low because it is harder to negotiate due to its S-bend configuration."

Realty. Remember

"The roof is old and leaks. The good news is when it rains you'll get an additional 3 showers."

'It is a huge property, originally built by a Condor: Perfect for a large family...'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

We're looking for a house with a bigger crawl space… Realty.

"Well, as a matter of fact, no, you didn't tell us you kept exotic pets when you sold us the house!"

"This neighborhood has a strong sense of community that borders on siege mentality."

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

"And the kitchen is ideal for people who like to eat out."

"If a sixth borough opens up, I'll let you know."

'...and you may notice a few of the previous owner's personal touches.'

"It's got everything: northern exposure, hardwood floors, central tree."

Black Friday

"Not too big a garden-my wife tires easily!"

"This is a lovely three bedroom detached property, with close proximity to Heathrow and the M25!"