Ironic Collector Gifts

'Sure it's an impressive collection. Too bad they're all overdue library books.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

Tattoo Repo Men

'As you can see, the place has a certain Cold War Era charm.'

"I always get these things and I don't know why. I'm not a collector!"

Mixed Doubles.

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

I accepted an early retirement buy out and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

If all else fails, give up.

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

The water desk

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

'I am a bit concerned about what you meant when you said: LET'S DO LUNCH...'

Fourth quarter earnings down, please help.

Money Snowglobe

Aggression Therapy Seminar

Hissy-fits for sale.

Giraffe's Ice-cream.

"It appears you have medication forgetfulness disorder, which, as you can imagine, is untreatable."

Help Wanted: Faith Healer Healthcare Provider.

British PM David Cameron resigns

"I have nothing to hide."

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Don't mention it."

Affirmative response executive - Remember when they were just called 'yes-men'?

'Hey, wait a minute †you're not a dolphin!'

'Amazing! I thought they were more or less extinct!'

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

'You have a file cabinet full of recipes you're printed off. The only way 99% of them will ever make it into our stomachs is if we the printer paper.'

"Ah, we meet again, my old nemesis."