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'And now for BEST MOVIE ERODING AMERICA'S MORAL VALUES...'

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'